WORLD — A promising new report has revealed that the Creator of the Universe will soon return with the keys of death and Hell to redeem the world for himself, wipe away every tear, and make all things new once again.
Sources say that after demonstrating his complete victory over death, this Creator promised to return in glory to judge the living and the dead, ending all oppression and injustice for all eternity. While some critics remain skeptical as to the veracity of these claims, others say they are joyfully awaiting the day they will see their Savior face to face, and are warning critics to repent and believe before it's too late and they're forced to face the terrible wrath of God.
At publishing time sources in Heaven had confirmed that it is, indeed, not too late for anyone who believes.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
