BAKHMUT — In a stunning development, Russian President Vladimir Putin has announced an immediate and total surrender after he received word that the United States had airdropped a tactical team of Nashville Police officers into the battlefield.
"We are simply no match for such fearsome opponents," Putin said in a public address announcing the surrender. "We were prepared to face the entire Ukrainian military, armed with state-of-the-art American equipment and weapons, but when I heard they were calling in the Nashville Police, I knew we had no chance."
Following the widely applauded efforts of members of the Nashville Police Department in response to a horrific shooting, the heroic first responders have quickly become some of the most feared men in the world. "We are willing to do whatever is asked of us to avoid any involvement of these Nashville Police officers," Putin continued. "We all saw what a small group of them is capable of in a very short amount of time. Please, keep them away!" Putin was then interrupted by Sergeant Dan Smith who had just kicked down Putin's front door and yelled at him to get on the ground.
After Russia's surrender, reports of the willingness of other hostile regimes to scale down aggression around the globe began to filter in. The Taliban was rumored to be in discussion to return all U.S. military weaponry left behind by the Biden administration. Word was also spreading that Kim Jong-un was considering abandoning North Korea's nuclear weapons production.
At publishing time, when asked for a comment on the situation, the White House was only able to provide a brief statement President Biden gave about his favorite ice cream sundae toppings.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.