NEW HAVEN, CT — Progressives across the nation have found themselves locked out of their accounts after CAPTCHA began asking users to identify what squares show a woman.
"I'm not a biologist!" cried local man Lucas Fitzgerald. "What kind of sick joke is this?"
Hundreds of thousands of online accounts have quickly become locked, as liberals repeatedly failed the test designed to distinguish humans from robots. "Thousands of customers have called asking what the secret is to recognizing a woman," said Bank of America executive Lacy Reynolds. "I honestly don't know how to explain it in any simpler terms. The good news is, they can't withdraw any money - so it's been a real help during this banking crisis."
In response to the outcry, the company behind the new CAPTCHA challenge defended the rigorous testing process for each picture. "We have tons of data showing that three-year-olds can reliably pick out the woman in the image," said software engineer Gary Marsh. "So can the vast majority of household pets. The program is merely designed to check for the bare minimum level of intelligence to be human. We literally cannot make it any dumber."
At publishing time, President Biden had smashed another computer in frustration after being unable to log in to his email.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
