WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a dramatic turn of events, pro-life activist Lauren Handy was released from prison today after explaining that she was simply blocking an abortion clinic to help "Free Palestine."
"It was for Palestine?? Oh, well, in that case you're free to leave," said Judge Kollar-Kotelly, immediately rescinding the six-year prison sentence. "This whole time we thought you were trying to stop baby murder! Gosh, we're so sorry about the mix-up. Toodles!"
After serving a year in prison while awaiting sentencing, Handy recently discovered that blockading buildings and shutting down highways was totally cool so long as it was being done for Palestine. "Um, sure, it was totally for Palestine," said Handy nervously. "Admittedly, I'm not sure why I'd block an abortion clinic for Palestine...but I'm also not clear on the connection between blockading philosophy buildings in Chicago and freeing Palestine. So, yeah...yay Palestine."
Prosecutors with the Department of Justice were left speechless, with years of trying to crush the pro-life movement suddenly down the drain. "Crap, she figured out the Palestine trick," said lead lawyer Stan McGill. "What a bummer. Oh well. There's still probably a few Catholic grandmas who don't know the right words to say... We can still blow down their doors and put them in the slammer. Let's get back to work, boys!"
At publishing time, the pro-life movement had informed Harvard students that the pro-Palestine encampment had moved up the road to just outside the local abortion clinic.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
