SPOKANE, WA — At a recent PDGA Tour event, professional disc golfer Andy Consulas found himself disqualified after officials subjected him to a random drug test and discovered his urine was negative for cannabis.
The disc golfer was banned from all PDGA events until he is able to test positive for copious amounts of the devil's lettuce.
Consulas took full responsibility for his actions: "I'm deeply ashamed of not showing up to play disc golf while totally blitzed on ganja. I've brought dishonor to the sport, my family, and myself. I only ask that you all give me an opportunity to get completely stewed and prove I can do better next time."
"No excuses - I knew it was against the rules to show up without getting zonked with a bomb pre-game hotbox."
Officials grew suspicious after the disc golfer showed up to the event without a single disc stamped with a marijuana leaf emblem or a boom box "bumpin' a little Bob Marley", and seemed to be "completely clear-headed and energetic." He was quickly drug-tested and found to have a clean urine test, without a single trace of regulation PDGA strains like Purple Kush, Sour Diesel, or the really dank stuff, the "1-Eyed Jamaican."
At publishing time, the rest of the players had been seen giggling near the 17th basket in a cloud of blue smoke while "completely destroying" a bag of Takis.
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