WASHINGTON, D.C. — Against all odds, the U.S. Navy has somehow managed to become even gayer, sources say.
"We've always known this particular branch of the military to be the gayest of all of them, but even they have surprised us all with by the lengths to which they will go to make themselves even gayer," said military journalist Dan Crullers. "They've truly outdone themselves here."
Brand new Navy Recruitment Ambassador and drag queen Joshua Kelley, (they/them) broke the news on a Chinese spy app called TikTok that he would be assisting the military in its efforts to recruit more drag queens to strike fear in the hearts of America's enemies. The campaign was created to help crew the brand new ship USS Harvey Milk and the nuclear submarine USS Sam Smith.
At publishing time, the Pentagon had also hired an inebriated Kid Rock to recruit new Marines.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
