BLOOMINGTON, IL—According to sources at a local OPC congregation, Reverend Jacob J. Gresham solemnly warned church members to keep all hands and arms inside the pews until the service came to a full and complete stop Sunday morning.
The elder of the church gives the warning every Sunday. While most Presbyterians already know the rules of church safety, sometimes visitors show up and begin raising their hands in joy and excitement. The warning aims to put a stop to all that, for the safety of all.
"We want to thank you for joining us today," he began. "As a reminder, this service will be worshiping the God of all creation, and you may be tempted to flail about like a crazy person. But please, keep your hands and arms inside the pews until the service comes to a full and complete stop. Safety bars have been provided in your pews to keep your arms down. Make sure your seatbelt is fastened and your arms are secured snugly by your side."
"Finally, sit back and enjoy the service, and please enjoy the rest of your stay at the seriousest place on earth."
At publishing time, sources had confirmed that one woman had raised a hand during a lively rendition of "A Mighty Fortress" in the original German and was banned from the church for life.