WASHINGTON, DC — A powerless figurehead world leader with no actual responsibilities is still barely clinging to life, according to sources. Family is said to be gathered at the White House as the leader's condition is reportedly quickly declining.
"It's sad to see the 'Big Guy' go," said Hunter Biden to reporters while brushing some white powder off his face. "I'll surely be lost without him. Also, has anyone seen my glass tobacco pipe?"
Commentators are praising the dying figurehead as an "alive human who sat in the Oval Office to replace Trump until we could think of a better plan." Dozens of mourners from around the country are already preparing to pay tribute to the dying impotent mascot of America.
The Babylon Bee will provide further updates as the situation changes.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
