NEW YORK, NY — According to sources, Hell's Kitchen superhero Daredevil was overheard thanking God for making him go blind and saving him the horror of watching She-Hulk twerk with rap artist Megan Thee Stallion.
"I have no problem facing a dozen ninjas from The Hand on my own or even battling the diabolical schemes of the Kingpin, but when I heard about She-Hulk twerking with Megan Thee Stallion, I threw up in my mouth a little bit," Daredevil said in a gruff whisper while perched on a rooftop gargoyle. "It was the first time I've ever been thankful to be blind."
People who did see the twerking fiasco were appalled at the sight and began crying out for earth's mightiest heroes to save them from the torture. Others begged for Thanos to return and end things once and for all.
Josiah Smith, an eyewitness to the twerking, recounted the harrowing experience. "It was the most wretched thing I've ever seen, and I've watched Rings of Power," Smith said, visibly shaken by the ordeal. "No one can twerk with Megan Thee Stallion and call themselves a hero."
At publishing time, Daredevil was believed to be rethinking his entire purpose in life. "If that's what is required to be a superhero these days, I don't know if I have it in me. I'm supposed to be saving Hell's Kitchen from falling into a cesspool of crime and corruption. I'm not even sure it's worth saving anymore."
At publishing time, Disney+ confirmed the next season of Daredevil will feature a dance number featuring Daredevil and Harry Styles in a dress.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
