VATICAN — Pope Francis today released a papal decree warning Christians against going through the narrow gate, and instead encouraging everyone to take the broad road.

"Take it from me - the broad, easy road is just fine," said Pope Francis. "Tell those troublemakers admonishing people to walk through the narrow gate to R-E-L-A-X."

While faithful Catholics still hold to the Church's teachings on homosexuality and gender, even in the face of increasing persecution, Pope Francis has called on them to just chill out and stop being so uptight. "If people are persecuting you, you're doing something wrong," said Pope Francis. "Forget the two millennia of the Church standing its ground -- embrace the culture! I've been doing it for years, and now the Chinese Communist Party loves me, the LGBT community loves me, and all the newspapers and magazines love me. I must be doing something right."

At publishing time, Pope Francis had begun to wonder why there was always a little guy with a pitchfork on his shoulder whispering into his ear.

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