WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the situation leading up to a vote to determine whether he would remain as Speaker of the House began to look more grim, Kevin McCarthy sought to take matters into his own hands and began frantically running through the corridors of the U.S. Capitol building in search of a fire alarm.
"Where is it? Where is it?!" McCarthy could be heard shouting desperately as his hurried footsteps echoed through the halls. "It worked for that one guy the other day, maybe it can buy me some time. C'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon!"
Witnesses within the Capitol reported seeing a panicked McCarthy sprinting by them as Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz's motion to vacate the office of Speaker of the House was officially brought up for a vote. "I'm used to seeing members of Congress running urgently through the halls," said Capitol Hill staffer Nathan Wieser, "but usually they're either running to their offices because they got an insider stock trading tip or they heard there was free ice cream at the commissary. This time, there seemed to be a very different vibe. He was desperate."
McCarthy continued his rushed search through the corridors in search of a fire alarm in an attempt to delay the vote, in what has quickly become known as the "Bowman Maneuver." Unfortunately for McCarthy, he was unable to locate a fire alarm in time to stop the proceedings.
At publishing time, McCarthy was last seen packing up his personal belongings to remove them from the Speaker's office, while Rep. Jamaal Bowman offered to helpfully pull the fire alarm to open the door to let him out.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
