SPEARVILLE, KS — By the time his family woke up Tuesday morning, it had become clear to everyone that family patriarch Josh Billings had already lived seven full lifetimes.
"I've seen things you wouldn't believe," Billings said in hushed whispers as he saw his family approach. "I've read books, meditated on life's meaning, crossed oceans, had coffee... I am happy. Complete. One with the universe."
According to sources, Billings got out of bed at 5 AM this morning. In the few hours it took for the rest of his family to wake up, he reportedly accomplished almost everything he set out to do in life.
"I strayed out of thought and time. The stars wheeled overhead, and every minute was as long as a life age upon the earth. And I felt life in me again," he said mysteriously.
Neighbors confirm that in the time before his family woke up, Billings painted the house, built a gun rack, reshingled the roof, went on a five-day hunting trip with the boys, organized the garage, beat every Final Fantasy game twice, read his entire library, and fought in several wars.
"I haven't seen you in so long," Billings reportedly told his family. "I almost thought you were a myth."
At publishing time, Selma Billings was frustrated to learn that while she'd been asleep, her husband still hadn't done the laundry.
These friendly Christian extremists have gotten out of hand.
