SACRAMENTO, CA — After being caught off guard by criticism of his selection of Laphonza Butler to replace the late Dianne Feinstein in Congress, California Governor Gavin Newsom defended his choice by saying Butler was the most qualified candidate among the .00001% of the population he was choosing from.
"Out of all 7 people who fit my criteria, she was the best," Newsom said. "Listen, I cast a very wide net in order to find the most qualified black lesbian political activist who lives in another state I possibly could. All things considered, Laphonza was the obvious choice."
Newsom reportedly amassed a vast list of all potential candidates who met his narrow criteria before ultimately landing on Butler. Political experts hailed the selection as a triumph. "Such a noble choice," said political analyst Sherri Martel. "Placing such strict requirements really gave the governor such an enormous number of people to choose from. It truly gives the people of California confidence that the very best candidate has been selected to represent their best interests."
When asked if his criteria were too narrow, Newsom brushed off any criticism. "Don't be ridiculous," he said. "Limiting yourself to only being able to choose a candidate from a ridiculously small pool of options is obviously the best way to yield results. Plus, she's a woman of color, so that's the most important thing. And she's gay! Did I mention that?"
At publishing time, critics of Newsom's selection were willing to concede that he could have chosen an upturned broom with a bucket for a head and it would have out-performed Dianne Feinstein.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.