VATICAN CITY—The Roman Catholic Church is celebrating Reformation Day in style, by offering thousands of hot deals on indulgences for the forgiveness of the temporal punishments for sin in purgatory.
A crazed-looking Pope Francis ran an infomercial throughout the day Tuesday, marking the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation by offering hourly lightning deals on high-quality, official indulgences granted by the Roman Catholic Church.
“Tetzel would be rolling in his grave if he could see the kinds of deals we have for you today!” Pope Francis said in the infomercial, which was rolling around the clock as the Pope broadcast from Vatican City. “We’ve got indulgences for gossip, we’ve got indulgences for lying—heck, we’ve even got indulgences for fornication! All at rock-bottom prices! And if you buy in bulk, you’re going to save, save, save!”
Pope Francis hawked the Roman Catholic wares all day long, enthusiastically pitching the indulgences as a great gift for birthdays, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and Easter.
“But wait, there’s more!” Francis said later in the afternoon. “If you buy right now, you’ll get the value pack on indulgences, plus you’ll get a SECOND value pack—absolutely FREE! That’s right! So call now, don’t wait, we only have a few lines open so get your order placed right now!”
At publishing time, Pope Francis had begun a live demonstration of the indulgences, showing how he could commit a minor sin and immediately have its punishment removed through one of the official Catholic products.