A decades-long study by the CDC concluded that each American state bears its own unique cause of death.
Here's what they found:
Alabama: Moonshine poisoning.
Alaska: Moose.
Arizona: Wyatt Earp.
Arkansas: Hillary Clinton.
California: Communism.
Colorado: Watching a Rockies game.
Connecticut: Lyme disease.
Delaware: Heart attack after Joe Biden sneaks up on you and sniffs your hair.
Florida: Tie between old age and alligator attack.
Georgia: Losing a fiddle battle with the Devil.
Hawaii: Paying $500,000 in rent for a hut. And then dying.
Idaho: Paying $500,000 in rent in Boise when you could have lived in Hawaii for the same amount. And then dying.
Illinois: Being a fan of the Chicago Bears, Cubs, or White Sox. Or else getting shot.
Indiana: Failing to say "Ope!" after you bump into someone (it kills them).
Iowa: Alcohol abuse. (This is not a joke. Get help, Iowa.)
Kansas: Being crushed by a house dropped on you by a tornado.
Kentucky: Deadly fight at the Waffle House.
Louisiana: Cursed by Voodoo Mambo.
Maine: Eaten by Pennywise.
Maryland: Eaten by crab.
Massachusetts: Wearing a Yankees cap.
Michigan: Shot by RoboCop.
Minnesota: Shot while attempting to tackle an ICE agent.
Mississippi: Accidentally ingesting unsweet tea.
Missouri: Being a Kansas City Royals fan.
Montana: Saying, "Hey man, hold my beer!" before attempting to mount a buffalo.
Nebraska: Starving while lost in a corn maze.
Nevada: Being sawn in half by Penn and Teller.
New Hampshire: Death from too much freedom.
New Jersey: Shot by Tony Soprano.
New Mexico: Shot by Walter White.
New York: Blown up by Muslim.
North Carolina: Getting caught up in the bloody conflict between Duke and UNC.
North Dakota: Trick question, no one lives in North Dakota.
Ohio: Cincinnati chili.
Oklahoma: Scalped by Comanches.
Oregon: Gluten allergy.
Pennsylvania: Run over by horse and buggy.
Rhode Island: [Make sure to google Rhode Island and come up with a joke before we publish. Do not publish until we have a good joke here. - Editor]
South Carolina: Rising up against the government to secede from the union. Happens every day.
South Dakota: Shot by Kristi Noem.
Tennessee: Bizarre cornhole incident.
Texas: Run over by a lifted truck, then shot by an AR-15, then eaten by mosquitoes.
Utah: Assassinated after you refused to join a pyramid scheme.
Vermont: Drowned in a vat of maple syrup.
Virginia: Killed during Civil War reenactment.
Washington: Eaten by vampires (the bad ones like the Volturi, James, Victoria, etc., not the "vegetarian" vampires like Edward).
West Virginia: Meth.
Wisconsin: Shot by Kyle Rittenhouse.
Wyoming: Blown off the highway by the winds and never seen again.
Lots of traumatic ways to die, but only one way to truly live. Follow Jesus today!
NOT SATIRE: Medical Freedom Day is a national livestream event on July 1 to recognize a truth at the heart of both liberty and healthcare: the right of every individual to make informed medical decisions in partnership with trusted healthcare professionals.
Hosted by GoldCare and moderated by Dr. Simone Gold, Medical Freedom Day brings together physicians, healthcare innovators, patient advocates, authors, and public intellectuals for a vibrant discussion focused on the future of American healthcare. The event explores informed consent, patient autonomy, chronic disease, metabolic health, naturopathic and integrative medicine, cancer care, mental health, stem-cell therapies, healthcare affordability, and healthcare reform.
Medical Freedom Day is not about rejecting medicine. It's about restoring the doctor-patient relationship, promoting transparency, and empowering individuals to take a more active role in their health. This event reflects a growing national conversation about trust, accountability, prevention, and personal choice in healthcare.
As America approaches its 250th anniversary, Medical Freedom Day brings a positive vision for what comes next: a healthcare revolution to restore informed consent, prevention, transparency, sensible pricing, innovation, and respect for patient sovereignty.
The program will feature presentations from leading physicians and experts across a wide range of disciplines, highlighting both the challenges of modern healthcare and practical solutions already succeeding. The goal is not merely to examine what is broken, but to showcase what is possible.
Medical Freedom Day is intended to become an annual national observance and a catalyst for ongoing dialogue about building a healthcare system that truly serves patients, physicians, and families alike.
Behold! Woke Jesus is teaching when the Pharisees bring to him a woman caught in adultery. Listen and learn from this cherished Bible story about how Woke Jesus turned to intersectionality.
