ÄLMHULT — Home furnishing giant IKEA announced that all purchases of its assemble-at-home furniture would now include helpful instructions on how to swear in Swedish.
The updated instruction booklets reportedly include phonetic pronunciations, intensity ratings, and recommendations for which Swedish obscenity pairs best with each specific furniture construction setback.
"Swedish assembly disasters deserve Swedish swears," said IKEA spokesperson Lars Björnsson. "With these new booklets, we are helping to create a more authentic Scandinavian experience. Instead of screaming at the sky, demanding to know what moron made it so all the screws on the end table legs stick out four inches, you can now utter the most terrific Swedish curses. It will bring the true IKEA experience home."
The company said the profanity guide had already reduced customer frustration by giving it "a more structured direction." Test subjects were found to have completed furniture 18% faster after learning to angrily roll their R's between hammer strikes. "I'm not sure why, but it really helped screaming 'FJÖRNSKÄR!' when I realized that none of the screw holes on this coffee table lined up," said customer David Goggins. "It makes having five mislabeled bags and none of the correct Allen wrenches a bit more tolerable."
At publishing time, Swedish had overtaken English as the most spoken language for obscenities in the entire world.
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