TYLER, TX — Pope Francis has officially sacked Bishop Joseph Strickland of Tyler, Texas for being "way too Catholic."
"Despite repeated warnings, Bishop Strickland refused to stop being so Catholic," said Pope Francis. "He adamantly held firm to Catholic doctrine, and there is simply no room for that in today's Catholic Church."
According to sources, Bishop Strickland initially drew the Vatican's ire due to multiple episodes of him publicly professing the Catholic faith. "Bishop Strickland had the incredible audacity to actually teach the Catechism of the Catholic Church," said Cardinal Robert McElroy. "Like, even the really unpopular parts about gender and marriage. That stuff is so - how did the Pope say it - 'backwards and out-of-touch'! Anyhow, Pope Francis wanted to make sure all the Catholics out there holding fast to the Church's teachings as they battle an increasingly hostile culture know how truly alone they are."
Even after multiple admonitions from the Vatican, Bishop Strickland chose to affirm the magisterial teaching of the Catholic Church instead of giving in to the dominant cultural ideology. In an effort to make the charges against Strickland as ironic as possible, the Vatican accused Bishop Strickland of choosing cultural ideology over the teaching of the Catholic Church. "The irony really is delicious, isn't it?" said a smiling Pope Francis. "It's like when I banned celebrating the Latin Mass, purportedly for the sake of church unity - when the Latin Mass is of course a way to unify Catholics across generations and cultures. Also, those Latin Mass parishes were actually growing - had to nip that in the bud."
At publishing time, Catholics had remembered that the Church history was littered with lousy Popes who actually set people on fire for being too Catholic, but the gates of Hell will not overcome Christ's bride.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.