VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis issued an official statement today demanding that God remove the walls and gates that surround the Kingdom of Heaven.
From deep inside the forty-foot walls of Vatican City, Pope Francis strongly condemned the God of the Universe for having gates at the entrance of His Kingdom and not simply allowing anyone inside.
"God is once again in the wrong," explained Pope Francis. "How can anyone claim to be loving and kind, yet not have an open border? I am hereby calling on the Lord Almighty to remove these terrible walls, fire Saint Peter, and allow everyone to roam in and out of Heaven as they please. Oh, and also provide free healthcare."
The Pope was further disturbed to learn that God has a long-standing vetting process that souls must go through before being allowed inside His Kingdom. "I am disgusted to learn that Heaven screens people before allowing them in, checking if people's names are on some list called the 'Book of Life'," said the Pope. "It seems there are several things about being loving that God needs me, Pope Francis, to set Him straight on."
At publishing time, the Pope had been heard angrily accosting one of his guards for allowing a visitor inside the Vatican who was not on the pre-approved list of guests.
Travis is back on his mission to interview everyone. Next on the list is celebrity chef and restaurateur Andrew Gruel.
