WILMINGTON, DE — President Donald Trump announced this morning that he has officially replaced the entire federal workforce with one single teenage Chick-Fil-A employee.
In a move expected to drastically improve the efficiency of government services, sixteen-year-old Bryan Sanders of Wilmington will take over the jobs of all 3 million current federal employees starting on Monday.
"With Bryan's work experience running the drive-through at Chick-Fil-A, we expect his taking over three million federal jobs to be seamless," said Trump's Chief of Staff Susie Wiles. "We believe Bryan will also provide a massive upgrade in terms of how pleasant it will be to interact with government employees. He is just so darn polite."
Sanders will remain enrolled in high school and plans to squeeze in doing the entire work of the federal government each evening before his homework. "Of course, we don't want Bryan doing three million people's jobs to interfere with his studies, but we think he will handle it just fine," said Sander's mom Julie. "If he can handle the lunch rush at Chick-Fil-A, doing the work of a million bureaucrats will be a cinch."
At publishing time, Trump had reportedly asked Sanders if he could go ahead and start tomorrow, but Sanders informed the President that he does not work on Sundays.
Travis is back on his mission to interview everyone. Next on the list is celebrity chef and restaurateur Andrew Gruel.
