DALLAS, TX — Local husband Mark Higgins stood frozen in his kitchen Thursday morning, staring blankly at a glass jar labeled "Vanilla Honey Goat Butter Spread" while attempting to figure out if it belonged on his toast or his face.
The jar, belonging to his wife, Sarah, gave no indication as to its intended use, leaving him unsure whether it was a delicious spread for his morning slice of sourdough or a moisturizing balm for his skin.
"The jar was sitting right on the counter next to a tub of night cream and a bag of avocados," Higgins explained. "It smells like a bakery, but it has the viscosity of lotion. If I put this on toast, I might be eating fancy dairy, or I might be consuming $85 worth of organic skin-tightening pomade."
Higgins reportedly spent 10 minutes attempting to figure out the ingredients. "It says it contains beeswax, goat's milk, and raw honey, which could mean it's a vitamin-packed superfood, or it could mean it's designed to shrink my pores and prevent crows' feet."
Sources confirmed that Higgins eventually attempted to ask his wife for clarification, but she merely instructed him to "use a little bit every morning," further deepening the confusion.
At publishing time, Higgins had been seen cautiously slathering the mysterious concoction onto a slice of rye while simultaneously rubbing the excess from the knife onto his elbows, hoping to cover all possible bases.
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