VATICAN CITY — To clarify previous remarks on the nature of priestly blessings and same-sex couples, the See of Peter formally announced all such blessings are only appropriate if the priest ends the blessing by quickly adding, "No homo."
"I hope that clears things up," said Pope Francis in his native Spanish, which was then translated to Italian, then to Latin, back to Italian, and finally to English. "It's not gay to be homo."
"Wait, what did he mean by that?" said Thomas Archibald, a Catholic layman. "Can I go be gay now? I'm gonna go be gay."
Anticipating further confusion, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith issued a statement clarifying that every statement by Pope Francis should be understood as having a silent "no homo" added to the end of it. "The Pope always speaks nullus homo," said Archbishop Fernando. "It is a tradition that traces its origins to Saint Peter himself."
To further clarify matters, the Roman Curia has issued an addendum to every papal writing in the Vatican Secret Archives, adding "no homo" to every writing as far back as church documents allow. A new Catholic Bible will also be published which adds "No homo" to the end of Revelation, answering the question once and for all, for all time.
Pope Francis said, "I hope this clears everything up. No homo."
At publishing time, the Catholic Church was embroiled in controversy after it was discovered adding "no homo" to the end of statements about the evils of homosexuality constituted a double negative. "I guess I can be gay now?" asked Catholic layman Thomas Archibald yet again.
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