SILVER SPRING, MD — An offshoot of the popular Chick-fil-A restaurant has been opened by Seventh-Day Adventist Church members and will reportedly be closed on Saturdays, but open on Sundays. The new fast-food restaurant goes by the name "Seventh-Day-fil-A" and is expected to surge in popularity among faithful 7DA Christians who need a bite to eat.
President Ted N.C. Wilson, President of the Seventh Day Adventist General Conference, announced the exciting new development while eating the new Seventh-Day-fil-A Original "Chicken" Sandwich. "Finally, we have a fast-food restaurant that honors the TRUE Lord's Day, as all fast-food restaurants should," he proudly said. "And wow! This fried tofu tastes just like chicken!"
Seventh-Day-fil-A is just like Chick-fil-A, only open on Sundays and with an entirely plant-based menu. "We don't serve chicken here," said General Manager Desmond Forthwright. "That would be sin. Tasty, tasty sin."
"Well at least they'll still have sweet tea," said one ignorant customer soon to be disappointed. "There's more to Chick-fil-A than the chicken, right? Right?"
Current Seventh-Day Adventist members will reportedly receive a special discount on their orders in accordance with the prophetic writings of Ellen White, who they say prophesied the coming of Seventh-Day-fil-A over a hundred years ago.
At publishing time, Seventh-Day-fil-A went out of business due to backlash over its dietary restrictions. "If I wanted fake chicken I would go to McDonald's!" said one angry customer.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
