WASHINGTON, DC — In a major win for body positivity, the Center for Disease Control released a new scale this week to help doctors inform slightly larger patients they're doing great and definitely won't die young from any sort of coronary episode.
"We call this the ‘You Go Girl' scale," CDC Spokesperson Dana Macgillis told reporters. "Now, no matter what the numbers might say a patient's weight is, doctors can use our scale to inform them that they're totally healthy and definitely won't die young or anything…even if they're, say, 200 pounds ‘overweight', whatever that is…"
The move comes after a slew of prominent body positivity activists died mysteriously from causes doctors can neither diagnose nor say out loud for possible fear of losing their jobs.
"These individuals died from caring too much," Macgillis said. "They were definitely healthy at any weight and weren't crushed to death under the weight of mountains of their own blubber. You go girl!"
Body positivity experts hailed the new scale as a fantastic move forward in ridding society of ableist terms like "Healthy Weight", "Massive Coronary Event", "Type 2 Diabetes", and "Died From Massive Overdose Of MacDonald's Fries and 165 Ounces Of Coke."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
