PENSACOLA, FL — As controversy continues to swirl following Pope Francis's pronouncement that Catholic priests are free to bless people who are in same-sex relationships, a local protestant man slept soundly due to the knowledge that he doesn't need to pay any attention to what some guy who wears a funny hat in Rome says about anything theologically.
"The who said what now?" said Joe Norris. "Can you imagine if my faith and my trust in my church were dependent upon the whims of a guy who dresses in weird robes and rides around in something called a ‘Popemobile?' That would be stressful. Thank God I can just go by what the Bible says. Can I go back to sleep now?"
The Pope caused a stir this week after declaring the Catholic Church would allow blessings to be given to same-sex couples as long as the blessing isn't mistaken for a marriage. "The Holy Father has been very straightforward on this," said Vatican spokesman Eduardo Carroccio. "The church's blessings of these unions isn't not a lack of commitment to traditional marriage. We hope this clears things up."
At publishing time, as LGBTQ people around the globe celebrated the announcement, many people were still unsure about what it meant. "Yeah, I don't really get it," Norris said. "I don't know if they are in favor of gay marriage or against it or what. I know what the Bible says about marriage. I also know the Pope makes some really strange fashion choices. Actually, he dresses like a guy who would think gay marriage is ok. Anyway, it's 3 in the morning and I'd like to sleep if you don't mind."
Sources in the Vatican later clarified the Pope's position by issuing a statement consisting of a pride flag emoji followed by a winking emoji.
At publishing time, Norris had suddenly jumped up in a cold sweat after realizing protestants were responsible for Joel Osteen.
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