U.S. - The results of a CNN poll revealed that 52% of Americans are in favor of abolishing the nation's Democratic Republic in favor of a monarchy ruled by an Ultra MAGA King. Another 39% - mostly bureaucrats - are reportedly satisfied with the current system of government.
The poll findings, released Thursday, have alarmed both Democrats and Republicans in government who are reportedly "shook" that citizens don't appreciate them.
"I don't know why anyone would trade in an oppressive and corrupt totalitarian government for a monarchy ruled by divine right," said Rep Adam Schiff. "Frankly, I'm shocked people don't appreciate how much we lie to them about everything for their own good while raising their taxes and sending it to Ukraine."
"We do it because we care!"
Former presidential candidate Jeb Bush emerged from obscurity to call MAGA King Trump a "jerk" who has set a dangerous precedent of not betraying the people who voted for him.
"Please clap," he then added.
According to Trump, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks because he is already king. "I've been imbued with huge power from on high. Just tremendous power," he said. "Power that Sleepy Joe could only dream of - and, believe me, he does a lot because he's always sleepy."
Trump then spent an hour making fun of how old and dumb President Biden is, which effectively distracted him from assuming authority and doing anything. Experts claim this is what makes Trump so likable.
"Our MAGA King is so focused on making fun of people that he doesn't have time left over to actually do anything, which is perfect because that's when leaders mess things up," said average citizen Joe Pleasant of Vermont.
"He's going to do great things for this kingdom by leaving us all alone."
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