The Babylon Bee
Podcast: Not All Cops

This is the Babylon Bee weekly news podcast for 6/12/2020.

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In this episode of The Babylon Bee podcast, editor-in-chief Kyle Mann and creative director Ethan Nicolle talk about the biggest stories of the week like worshipers pretending to be protesters so they can meet, our recent feud over putting Trump in an AWANA vest, and how all of a sudden defunding the police became a national talking point. Detective Dan from Small Town Dicks joins Kyle and Ethan to talk all about it.

In the subscriber portion, subscribers get to listen to Kyle and Ethan continue their conversation with Detective Dan!

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Show Outline

Introduction

Kyle's dad burns podcasts onto CDs and Ethan diagnoses depression in dads stemming from how children handle blu ray discs.

Stuff That’s Good

Kyle likes O.C. Supertones album For the Glory

Ethan likes Mac Smith’s Scurry.

This News Is Weird

Man charged with assault after thrown pickle hits Vermont highway worker

Peruvian mayor poses as corpse to avoid arrest for flouting coronavirus lockdown, reports say

Ocean Just as Gross as You Thought: Filled with Mucus

Doctors remove mobile phone charger from man's bladde

Crayola launches skin tone crayons so 'all kids can colour themselves

Seagull flies into woman's house and vomits on her kitchen counter

Stories of the Week

Story 1 

Clever Churchgoers Avoid Arrest By Disguising Themselves As Rioters
Summary: Many churches still aren’t gathering in person but several congregations came up with a clever way to avoid arrest for gathering against government orders: disguising themselves as rioters.

The real story: Governments seemed to be going hard after churches and other things deemed non-essential, but anything related to protesting was fine.

  • Originally a satire of how apparently COVID wasn’t a concern for anything related to the protest.

  • A thousand medical experts signed an open letter supporting public gathering for protests stating that “white supremacy contributes to COVID and is a lethal public health issue

  • Churches were/are still fighting to open and trying to comply with lots of extra rules they needed to follow such as limited capacity, masks, no physical contact, some were saying no communion elements, no singing.

  • A prophecy fulfilled. A group of Hasidic youth in NYC put up a George Floyd sign so that they could not be shut down by the cops for their religious gathering. 

Story 2

Trump Shows Off Completed Awana Vest

Summary: President Trump and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi are firing Bible photo ops back and forth, as you would expect politicians to be doing at a time like this. But Trump won the contest of Bible knowledge by showing off his completed Awana Sparks vest.

The real story: Trump decided to walk across the street from the White House to the Episcopalian church St. John’s (“The church of the Presidents”) which rioters had set on fire the night before. He did this as a show of resolve against the lawlessness which would lead to the burning of churches.  He drew criticism for supposedly using police to drive away protestors with “teargas” for the photo op and for the way he stood in front of the church and held up the Bible like it was a political prop. 

  • We decided to poke fun of the pandering-ness and the Bible being used as a prop by Trump and then Pelosi and then Cuomo all suddenly being experts on the Bible in all these weird public events quoting verses and making the Bible agree with their side

  • We put an AWANA vest on Trump, which prompted an email from AWANA communications chief asking us to immediately pull it down as it was “beyond satire” and how they didn’t want their vest to be on Donald Trump. They threatened to sue us if we didn’t comply.

  • Seth put AWANA on blast on Twitter

  • We learned Monday that they would NOT be pursuing a lawsuit

  • Kyle's Awana stories!

  • Ethan just hated Awana  

Story 3 

Los Angeles Police To Undergo Intensive Socially Conscious Slam Poetry Training 

Summary: As public demand for comprehensive police reform grows, the LAPD is leading the way by training its officers in socially conscious slam poetry.

The Real Story: BLM protests are demanding #DefundThePolice… the details are vague but it sounds like they want to get rid of the police altogether in some instances.

  • Marriane Williamson has a great tweet about the ex-cops starting ISIS.

  • Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey was publicly mocked and shamed at a protest when he refused to say he would abolish the police..

    • Here is his walk of shame. “Go Home Jacob!” “Shame! Shame!”

    • The Minneapolis city council just voted 9-3 vowing to DISBAND their city police department and council president Lisa Bender told crowds that these 9 members were “committed to ending the city’s relationship with the police force and “to end policing as we know it and recreate systems that actually keep us safe.”

      • Has this been done anywhere before?  Camden, NJ

      • “ the city's police department was disbanded and replaced with a new one covering Camden County that had more officers, but on lower pay, according to a City Lab report.”

  • A CNN anchor, Aislyn Camerota asked city council President Lisa Bender “who do I call when someone breaks into my house?” and she  said that that question comes from a place of privilege 

  • She later went on Chris Cuomo’s Prime time and said a "police free future" is "the goal."

  • We also did a CFA joke, but Ethan hates them. 

Topic of the Week

Detective Dan of Small Town Dicks joins Kyle and Ethan to talk about all the police issues facing the nation. Dan was formerly a K9 handler and Violent Crimes detective at the same Small Town police department as his twin brother Dave, who also hosts the podcast with Yeardlley Smith of the Simpsons. Dan regards his years as a K9 handler to be the most rewarding of his career. He is now retired. They discuss misconceptions about the police and discuss changes we need to make to serve and protect everyone.

Hate Mail

We get an email filled with flowerbeds.

Paid-subscriber portion

Kyle and Ethan continue their conversation with Detective Dan.

To watch or listen to the full length podcast, become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans

 

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