MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Mayor Jacob Frey of Minneapolis has announced that all crime and racial tension have been miraculously washed away in his city after a stunning decision to replace his entire police force with Chick-fil-A workers. Chick-fil-A workers have selflessly offered to volunteer their time, working for free to spread love and hope to a city in pain.
In their first run-in with angry protestors, workers arrived on a chaotic scene with trays of steaming chicken sandwiches and waffle fries. They let protesters cry on their shoulders before wiping away every tear from their eyes. The entire crowd then sat down on the grass as God's chicken was lovingly handed out to everyone by sharply dressed servants with glowing smiles.
Years of anger dissipated as an entire city broke bread together. Doug Collins, local Chick-fil-A manager and worship pastor, took out his acoustic guitar and led the crowd in a round of 'Lord I Lift Your Name On High.' Later that evening, Chick-fil-A workers responded to a domestic disturbance call and provided free marriage counseling for two feuding spouses.
"This may be as close to heaven as we ever get on this earth," said Minneapolis city council member Meg Harmon. "All across our city, people are laying down their weapons, singing songs of unity, and swimming in rivers of Chick-fil-A sauce!"