WASHINGTON, D.C. - As the nation's high court met Tuesday to consider potential restrictions to abortion rights, a group of sweaty Planned Parenthood executives huddled in a conference room listening to the opening arguments, looking extremely nervous for people who were only set to lose 3% of their revenue if abortion is outlawed.
One member of the group, CFO Ian Fanticide, spoke solemnly with reporters about what a potential overturning of Roe Vs. Wade could mean for the country. "As you know, Planned Parenthood provides a number of women's health services to the community," Fanticide said. "If abortion rights are overturned or severely restricted, we may not be able to stay in business."
A reporter pressed Fanticide on this remark, as Planned Parenthood has routinely said abortion is only a small percent of what the group does. "It's true that abortion is only 3% of what we do," he noted. "However, about 94% of our revenue comes from things like abortion counseling, abortion-related paperwork, and selling fetal parts to vaccine manufacturers. Those core women's health services are at risk of disappearing forever."
Fanticide then cut the interview short to take a call about a new job opportunity at a local slaughterhouse.
Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.
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