BRUSSELS — Despite the uproar caused by revelations at a European Union hearing that the pharmaceutical giant rushed the COVID-19 vaccine out into use without testing it for preventing transmission, Pfizer executives were quick to backtrack and point out that they did, in fact, test the vaccine — on over five billion people.
"While there were no widespread, controlled tests of the vaccine in the clinical sense, to say we didn't have any guinea pigs to try our vaccine on wouldn't be the truth," said Janine Small, Pfizer's president of international developed markets said at the hearing. "We didn't really know what would happen when we shot human beings up with this stuff, so we decided to test it in the most widespread way possible — by injecting it into over five billion people."
While this information set off alarm bells around the globe, Pfizer was quick to point out that the results weren't all bad. "People act like nothing good came out of this vaccine," said Dr. Frederick Von Leibenschnibbitz, head of Pfizer's Moneymaking Medicine Committee. "Yes, we rushed a vaccine out onto the market without knowing whether or not it actually stopped the transmission of the disease. Yes, we worked hand-in-hand with governments and media corporations around the world to force people into taking this untested vaccine. Yes, we have caused enormous numbers of people to develop myocarditis and other serious health problems. But look at how much money we made off of it! That counts for something, right? Right? Don't look at me that way."
At publishing time, Pfizer was continuing development on their newest COVID-19 booster, which they say (without any testing data to back it up) will protect you from the virus while only giving you rectal cancer as a side effect.
By now the whole internet has heard Ben Shapiro rapping, but did you know that there are actually two more verses they cut out of the track?