U.S. — As conservatives across the nation vowed to no longer drink Budweiser products, people who possess functional taste buds have promised to continue their decades-long boycott of Bud Light as well.

"No way I'm ever drinking Bud Light," said local man Jimmy Billings. "Wait, there's a boycott?"

According to sources, no human with taste buds has finished an entire bottle of Bud Light since the brand's inception in 1982. "We still have a pretty big following of people who don't have tongues," said CEO Brendan Whitworth. "Oh, and also people who burned their taste buds off with a Hot Pocket. Huge Bud Light fans. The taste bud boycott has been a challenge, but we have persevered."

While Bud Light's partnering with Dylan Mulvaney has led to controversy, people with the ability to taste have no plans to change their beer choice. "I guess I would boycott Bud Light if I ever drank it, but that would require me to shave my taste buds off with a razor," said local man Ron McAllen. "And I don't really want to do that, it sounds super painful. So, I'll just stick with the New Belgium amber I'm sipping here."

At publishing time, people with taste buds promised to also continue their long-standing boycott of Peeps.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.