WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Defense is taking unprecedented steps to secure the Pentagon after a massive intel leak put lives in danger around the world. According to sources, officials are hoping they've seen the last of damaging security breaches thanks to their brand-new Ring doorbell.
"Ring doorbells represent the pinnacle of security and surveillance technology," said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin to reporters. "It's a video camera, a microphone, and a doorbell all rolled up into one sleek and stylish package! What's not to love? Try getting past our new Ring, you filthy document-stealing crooks!"
Sources say that the Ring doorbell was chosen after a 2-year, multi-million-dollar search for security equipment and intense negotiations with the manufacturer. The government ended up acquiring a single $64 Ring doorbell for only $38 billion. "We're hoping to secure a cheaper price to equip other government buildings with the same amazing technology," said Austin. "Once every building has one of these babies, we'll never have to worry about a leak again!"
At publishing time, the DoD was dealing with yet another leak as they had forgotten to install a Ring doorbell in Biden's garage.
Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.
