WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Defense is taking unprecedented steps to secure the Pentagon after a massive intel leak put lives in danger around the world. According to sources, officials are hoping they've seen the last of damaging security breaches thanks to their brand-new Ring doorbell.

"Ring doorbells represent the pinnacle of security and surveillance technology," said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin to reporters. "It's a video camera, a microphone, and a doorbell all rolled up into one sleek and stylish package! What's not to love? Try getting past our new Ring, you filthy document-stealing crooks!"

Sources say that the Ring doorbell was chosen after a 2-year, multi-million-dollar search for security equipment and intense negotiations with the manufacturer. The government ended up acquiring a single $64 Ring doorbell for only $38 billion. "We're hoping to secure a cheaper price to equip other government buildings with the same amazing technology," said Austin. "Once every building has one of these babies, we'll never have to worry about a leak again!"

At publishing time, the DoD was dealing with yet another leak as they had forgotten to install a Ring doorbell in Biden's garage.

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