BRAZIL — Deep in the Amazon jungle, a group of progressive Christian missionaries is hard at work spreading the good news of alternative lifestyles to unreached native tribes. The missionaries hope their efforts will bear fruit as they introduce some gay stuff to previously untouched civilizations.
"If we don't tell them about gay stuff, who will?" asked Gary Snead, gay pastor and leader of the God's New Rainbow missionary organization. "Without our willingness to travel into the deepest heart of the Amazon rain forest, these tribes of indigenous peoples may never hear about homosexuality or have the opportunity to convert to alternative lifestyles. What a tragedy that would be!"
Though the group has been met with hostility by members of the native tribes, the missionaries seem undeterred. "We will not let anything keep us from pushing forward," Snead said. "We've got everything we need to make a persuasive argument. Rainbow and trans flags, sassy high heels for the male tribe members, cases of Bud Light — you name it. We'll make sure to get gay stuff into the hands of everyone in the jungle!"
One team of missionaries was sent out last week to a notoriously reclusive tribe, and though they haven't been heard from in days, Snead is sure everything is fine. "Last we heard they were about to explain what being gay actually is," Snead said. "I'm sure the tribe was perfectly receptive!"
At publishing time, the missionaries were awaiting new shipments of clothing to distribute to the tribes, including Dylan Mulvaney-branded Nike workout gear.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.