Pennsylvania Results Extremely Slow As Fetterman Is Counting The Ballots Himself
Politics · Nov 8, 2022 · BabylonBee.com

PENNSYLVANIA — Results from the midterm elections this week could take months or even years to come back, Pennsylvania election officials confirmed, after candidate John Fetterman insisted on counting the ballots himself. According to sources, Fetterman was handed a stack of ballots and began counting. "1... 2... 3..." he began, poll watchers claim, stating that Fetterman had managed to count three full ballots in just under seventeen minutes. At one point, between ballot numbers thirty-seven and thirty-eight, Fetterman even stared off into space for several hours, before signaling with Morse Code eye-blinks that he had lost count and needed to start over. "This could take a while," said one poll volunteer. At publishing time, Dr. Oz said he had this "one weird trick" to cure the state's election counting woes, but you'd have to click through to his website to find out what it was.

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

By now the whole internet has heard Ben Shapiro rapping, but did you know that there are actually two more verses they cut out of the track?

Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction

Ready to join the conversation? Subscribe today.

Access comments and our fully-featured social platform.

Sign up Now

You must signup or login to view or post comments on this article.