PENNSYLVANIA — Results from the midterm elections this week could take months or even years to come back, Pennsylvania election officials confirmed, after candidate John Fetterman insisted on counting the ballots himself. According to sources, Fetterman was handed a stack of ballots and began counting. "1... 2... 3..." he began, poll watchers claim, stating that Fetterman had managed to count three full ballots in just under seventeen minutes. At one point, between ballot numbers thirty-seven and thirty-eight, Fetterman even stared off into space for several hours, before signaling with Morse Code eye-blinks that he had lost count and needed to start over. "This could take a while," said one poll volunteer. At publishing time, Dr. Oz said he had this "one weird trick" to cure the state's election counting woes, but you'd have to click through to his website to find out what it was.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
