Pennsylvania Results Extremely Slow As Fetterman Is Counting The Ballots Himself
Politics · Nov 8, 2022 · BabylonBee.com

PENNSYLVANIA — Results from the midterm elections this week could take months or even years to come back, Pennsylvania election officials confirmed, after candidate John Fetterman insisted on counting the ballots himself. According to sources, Fetterman was handed a stack of ballots and began counting. "1... 2... 3..." he began, poll watchers claim, stating that Fetterman had managed to count three full ballots in just under seventeen minutes. At one point, between ballot numbers thirty-seven and thirty-eight, Fetterman even stared off into space for several hours, before signaling with Morse Code eye-blinks that he had lost count and needed to start over. "This could take a while," said one poll volunteer. At publishing time, Dr. Oz said he had this "one weird trick" to cure the state's election counting woes, but you'd have to click through to his website to find out what it was.

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job:

Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more guffaw-inducing chucklefests!

Comments

There are 98 comments on this article.

You must signup or login to view or post comments on this article.