WASHINGTON, D.C.—In real news that totally actually happened, President Trump has announced that in the interest of public safety, the 2020 presidential election has been canceled.
“It’s just too risky,” President Trump told the press while standing behind a sneeze guard. “We’ll get all these people gathered together at rallies or lined up to vote, and they’re all going to get sick. And Biden -- he's just so old. Sending him around crowds campaigning is basically trying to murder him. Anyway, it just seems pointless for a bunch of people to die when everyone knows I was going to win anyway.”
Trump has been a divisive figure in the past, but so far everyone has agreed with this move. The New York Times, which usually opposes absolutely everything Trump does, wrote an editorial in support of canceling the election. “It’s a smart, science-driven move,” the editorial said. “As important as democracy is, it’s just not worth dying over.”
Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders also seemed very relieved by the announcement, as they’re both very tired and worried about getting sick. Sanders was especially happy, telling the press, “You know, for a few moments there, it really seemed like I might win, and I didn’t know what was going to happen if people actually expected me to follow through on all that free stuff.” Sanders is now deciding in which of his three houses to self-quarantine.