SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA—A missing person alert has been issued for an elderly man wandering down a highway in Florida. The man was spotted early this morning near a freeway off ramp trying to get better reception on his rainbow trout.
The missing person alert was sent to all those in the region, saying they should be on the lookout for an insane-looking old guy who was super confused about where he was, who he is, and what's the current year.
"This man doesn't seem to be dangerous, but he is very confused," authorities said as they showed pictures of the man shaking his fist at passing cars while trying to call President Nixon on his trout. "He's clearly unwell, and he needs to get out of the public spotlight ASAP before he does more harm to himself or others."
Authorities warned that while the man isn't armed, he could be potentially dangerous to unsuspecting women as he tends to crouch in bushes and leap out to give them a little back rub and hair sniff.
Many people "pounced" on the man's minor faux pas, saying he was clearly exhibiting some kind of cognitive decline. But his healthcare providers say this is clearly ageism and bias, and that the man is perfectly stable.
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