NEW YORK, NY — Peloton has released an innovative new laundry rack that looks exactly like their original exercise bike, for the low cost of five hundred dollars.
"This product now allows customers to skip the brief phase of using the bike, and get right to piling laundry all over it," said Peleton CEO Dave Needham. "At half the cost of a functional bike, we believe it's a real steal."
The new product launch will be accompanied by a commercial blitz, featuring a terrified woman receiving the laundry rack as a present from her husband. "We think a husband gifting his wife some detergent and a laundry rack will really hit home," said marketing director Ashley Monahan. "This will build beautifully off our previous commercials showing a husband kindly telling his wife that she's fat and needs to get in shape."
The new Peloton laundry rack includes a subscription option, where instructors will continue offering nonsensical platitudes while encouraging customers to make their children cross-dress. "With this new launch, we are still staying true to the core of what Peloton is as a company," said Mr. Needham. "Whether getting in a workout or throwing your XXL sweater on the handlebars, rest assured Peloton will always be there to encourage Satanic ideology."
At publishing time, Peloton had been hit with another class-action lawsuit after dozens of bikes collapsed under the weight of laundry.
Their culture is not your costume. DO NOT appropriate ghost, zombie, or vampire culture this Halloween.