WASHINGTON, D.C. — House Speaker Nancy Pelosi drafted articles of impeachment against newly elected Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni Tuesday to combat what she calls "far-right extremist Mussolini cosplay under the Tuscan sun."
"I can't understand a strong, independent woman who puts family over government," Pelosi said in a brief statement. "The government should be your family. I want everyone to look at me as their mother!"
Rep Thomas Massie, an alleged American Nazi, respectfully disagreed with Pelosi's sentiment, suggesting that she couldn't be the nation's mother with hips that small.
Prime Minister-Designate Giorgia Meloni says she doesn't understand why everyone is comparing her to Mussolini. "I keep seeing reports that the party of Mussolini has finally regained control of Italy. The National Fascist Party is outlawed in Italy's constitution. I am not pro-police state. It was one of my main campaign points!"
"Mama mia!" she added.
In response to the draft text written by Pelosi, which she co-authored with Rep Adam Schiff, the House Judiciary Committee is expected to levy two articles of impeachment against Giorgia Meloni for "being literally Mussolini" and "killing good vibes."
Pelosi admitted, however, that impeachment, if it passes, would mostly be symbolic. "America doesn't have much say over how Italy governs itself. But I have been in talks with the CIA to see how much meddling we can get away with."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
