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Pastor Suspended For Using Performance-Enhancing Illustrations

OAKLAND, CA—Local pastor Frank Edgars has been suspended from pulpit duties for 30 services after he tested positive for performance-enhancing sermon illustrations.

An investigation revealed that the pastor used over 327 "clever, relevant, and timely" illustrations, movie clips, and anecdotes over the past six months. Illustrations that unfairly enhance a pastor's performance have been banned for decades under international preaching laws, but there are always a few who try to skirt the rules.

Footage released by investigators clearly shows Pastor Frank playing a clip from Braveheart followed by a funny story about his family's camping trip last summer. Analysts estimate these illegal, performance-enhancing illustrations and ones like them may have resulted in 37 extra commitments to Christ and 12 additional baptisms over the past preaching season. In addition to his 30-service suspension, the pastor has been stripped of his win in last summer's Baptist Chili Cook-Off.

"These are clear violations of Pastoral Code 2.11(a)3.16.2(c)," said a representative from the International Association of Preachers. "We have a zero-tolerance policy for illustrations that give a pastor an unfair advantage. If you're not preaching straight out of the Bible, you're not really preaching."

Edgars is appealing the decision to a higher governing body, the Lord Himself.

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