ROLAND, VT—According to sources at Maranatha Baptist Church, Pastor Miles Perryson was forced to go into a witness protection program and flee the country after he failed to mention Mother’s Day even a single time during his verse-by-verse sermon on the book of Romans Sunday.
The pastor kept preaching through the church’s regular series without so much as a passing nod to mothers, kicking off a violent, riotous mutiny. A horde of angry mothers brandishing pitchforks and torches arrived at Perryson’s home shortly after the service, causing him to run out the back door, hop in his ’96 Saturn, and make a break for the Canadian border.
“He didn’t talk about Hannah, Timothy’s mother, or Naomi—not even a fleeting mention of the joys and trials of motherhood!” one outraged mother said as she threw a Molotov cocktail through the pastor’s parlor window. “Death to Pastor Miles! Death to Pastor Miles!”
Perryson crossed the border in secret late Sunday evening, ditching his car in a ravine and sneaking over by cover of night after strapping on his emergency running shoes he always has stashed in the trunk of his car, “just in case.” He ran all night and well into the morning before stopping to rest and resupply at a safe house he had hidden in the woods when he first went into the ministry, “for such a time as this.”
The pastor is reportedly planning on becoming a cashier at Tim Hortons until the situation settles down back at home, saying he’ll use the time making more money than usual to save up before returning to his pastor’s salary under a new name and identity.