Becoming a parent obviously changes your life drastically -- but not always quite like people expect! Allow the moms and dads of the Babylon Bee to peel back the curtain on the expectations versus reality of what it's actually like to be a parent:
Expectation: You'll have someone to laugh at all your great jokes.
Reality: Your kids will make fun of you until you cry in the shower.
Expectation: You'll never have time for your hobbies again.
Reality: You'll get to do all your hobbies, but now with little clones of yourself experiencing them for the first time.
Expectation: Parenthood won't change your marriage.
Reality: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Expectation: Your child will only eat organic, non-GMO food.
Reality: Your child will eat whatever they find on the floor of the grocery store. Mmm, gum!
Expectation: You will never buy a minivan.
Reality: You will ask to be buried in your minivan when you die.
Expectation: Sometimes kids will have the sniffles.
Reality: Kids' noses will be snotty from August 1 until May 31, during which time you will buy new yachts for the CEOs of Kleenex, Children's Tylenol, Zarbee's, and Vick's.
Expectation: Can't go to Beyonce concert and wake up hungover anymore.
Reality: Yeah, but that's a good thing.
Expectation: Snuggling the day away with a precious little infant.
Reality: That, but you haven't showered in a week and there's puke in your hair.
Expectation: Kids may go through a phase called the "Terrible Two's".
Reality: Actually, this just means you're a crappy parent. Juuuuust kidding!
Expectation: You'll still carve out time to "take care of you".
Reality: Nah.
Expectation: You won't make any of the same mistakes your parents made.
Reality: You will make all of the mistakes your parents made.
Expectation: You will never listen to that garbage kid's music.
Reality: BABY SHARK DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO, MOMMY SHARK DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO!
Expectation: Parenthood will be challenging, but worth it.
Reality: Parenthood will be the most difficult and most beautiful thing you will ever do this side of Heaven. You will have to die to yourself. You will find depths of your own selfishness and self-involvement that you did not know existed, and you will have to put those to death as you lay down your life for another person. God will sanctify you through parenthood in ways you cannot imagine. You will experience heights of joy beyond the capacity you thought possible as you see the world anew through the eyes of your children. Your heart will forever live outside your chest, rejoicing and breaking, as you give it over to this new person, this new creation.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
