DENTON, TX — So-called conservative man Ross Jennings was caught hiding in the closet this morning eating avocado toast.

"WHO ARE YOU??" screamed his wife Camille, slamming the door. "Is this whole life you've been living a lie??"

Despite professing to hold traditional values and believing in private capital, Mr. Jennings confessed that he had fallen in love with avocado toast. "I can't help it! It's so delicious!" explained a tearful Mr. Jennings to his wife. "I promise, I really believe in free enterprise and personal responsibility! Avocado is just so, so good on artisan sourdough!"

A distraught Mrs. Sanders asked if her husband would attend couples counseling. "I just don't know what to believe anymore," said Mrs. Sanders. "It's like I'm lying in bed at night next to a complete stranger. What's next? Toasting his own granola? Test-driving a Toyota?"

At publishing time, Mrs. Sanders had tried a bite of avocado toast and was instantly plunged into a complete identity crisis.

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