LOS ANGELES, CA - Responding to the rapidly changing cultural tide, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced Wednesday, just days before its 90th annual Academy Awards, that the event known as the "Oscars" has been rebranded and would henceforth be known as the more gender-neutral "Jessies."
"We've got enough on our plates already - we don't want to be perpetuating the Patriarchy on top of everything else," AMPAS president John Bailey told reporters at a press conference announcing the change. "'Jessies' has a nice ring to it anyway. 'Oscar' makes people think of a grouchy, trash-can-dwelling monster, or a quiet Dunder Mifflin accountant."
"Jessies" reportedly narrowly beat out "Caseys" and "Jackies" as the new name.
According to Bailey, they will also be creating new, "less masculine" trophies for next year's Jessies, as they didn't leave themselves enough time to have them designed and finished for this year's event. Pressed about specifying the sexual orientation of the new "Jessie" mascot, he abruptly ended the press conference and fled the scene.