BEVERLY HILLS, CA - In response to massive public outcry for diversity quotas in films from two Huffington Post writers, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has announced sweeping requirements for any film wishing to be considered for Best Picture. In addition to quotas for minorities, women, and non-binary mermaid queens, they will now require all Christian movies wishing to be considered for Best Picture to star Kevin Sorbo.
"I'm humbled to be included in the Oscars' new diversity quotas," said the former Hercules star while casually bench pressing his wife and former co-star Sam Sorbo. "I look forward to starring in every Christian film that will be made for decades to come!"
"I am NOT disappointed!"
In addition to the Sorbo quota, Christian films will be required to include all of the following:
- At least one depiction of an atheist who gets hit by a car
- A minimum of 2 Newsboys songs
- An altar call and link to an online Bible study during the credits
- 20% queer representation in the characters, but they all must get saved at the end
- 12% Amish representation in the cast and/or crew
- Equal representation for Calvinists and Arminians
- A minimum of 20 solid minutes of screen time for a majestically waving American flag
- A maximum of 1 instance of light swearing, words such as "heck," "darn," or "freakin."
The Academy has expressed hope that this will lead to greater inclusion and higher artistic quality in Christian films for years to come. They are also assuring the public that nothing will change in their favorite Christian movies since most of them already conform to the new standards. They also clarified that the Kevin Sorbo requirement will not end, but will remain in place forever.
Sorbo is currently working with animators to build a digitally animated copy of himself so he can continue to star in Christian movies for all eternity.
