Border Patrol Loses Horse Privileges, Must Now Bang Two Empty Halves Of Coconuts Together
Politics

DEL RIO, TX—After horrific images surfaced showing horseback Border Patrol agents patrolling the border while on horseback, President Biden’s Secretary of Horses has temporarily revoked their privilege of doing their job while riding horses.

“Until the agents learn to behave in a manner that doesn't call attention to one of Biden’s many disasters, they cannot ride any horses, and must instead use these.” He then held up two empty coconut halves, demonstrating how they sound like horse hooves when banged together. A journalist from CNN asked if the sound was coming from a real horse.

Border agent Bob Arthur expressed disappointment in the decision but said he understands why it had to happen. “We Texans can get carried away once we hop on a horse. From up there, anything moving looks like a steer needing to be lassoed, hogtied, then branded. It’s good they revoked our horse privileges before we pulled out our standard-issue branding irons.”

Officer Gallahad of Border Patrol Central Command says the change has already produced positive results, such as increased capture of illegal immigrants. He credits the increase to the fact that immigrants facing this new coconut-laden threat are unable to flee while also laughing uncontrollably.

Fortunately for Border Patrol, most migrants are deciding to return to their home countries after hearing horror stories of vaccine ID restrictions unfairly targeting minority families in cities like New York City.

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