WASHINGTON, D.C. - Oral arguments in SCOTUS's hearing over OSHA's vaccine mandates had to be postponed a third time this morning as Justice Sonia Sotomayor got her gavel stuck up her nose again.
"Dang it, Sonia!" shouted Kavanaugh as he looked over and saw her frantically trying to get the wooden mallet unstuck. "How many times do we have to tell you not to do that? I'd whoop you if you were my kid!" Kavanaugh then cracked open a tall, cool Keystone Light to take the edge off.
Meanwhile, Justice Barrett had jumped into action. "There, there, it's OK, baby," she said. "Awwwww, did you get da wittle hammer stuck up dere again sweetie pie? Shhhh, shhh, it's OK, just breathe. Just breathe." Barrett fed her some Goldfish and a juice box to calm her down while EMTs arrived on the scene.
"Is it Sonia again?" asked the first EMT to enter the room. "Yeah, guys, it's just Sonia again! Poor girl. When she choked on her webcam last month, we were really scared for her. She's gonna be OK. Come on, honey. Let's get you to your favorite hospital room. They're playing Schoolhouse Rock in there -- it's the one about the Constitution! You can learn something while you recover." This cheered the justice up considerably.
At publishing time, the gavel had been removed after a several-hour delay, and Justice Sotomayor was able to return to the courtroom and ask her most pointed question yet: "If mandate no work then why coughy not so bad bad?"
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.