Op-Ed
Op-Ed: Riots Are What Happen When You Don’t Spank Children

Now there’s a lot of things wrong with society today (I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned men not wearing hats before), but one of the biggest problems is kids. They are terrible. And I’m not just talking about the music they listen to (which is kind of over-produced and soulless). They are running wild and have no respect for anyone. That’s why when they grow older and get mad, they just riot like it’s nothing, breaking everything and setting everything on fire.

How’d this happen? I will tell you how. Back some time ago, someone started an anti-spanking movement. “Oh, you can’t spank kids. It will hurt their widdle kid feewings,” said some so-called “experts” -- probably Communist plants trying to destroy us from the inside. So what do you do when the kid talks back? Just gently pat him on the head and try to reason with his dumb kid brain and explain why you don’t like that? That don’t work; the only thing kids understand is a red backside. And without that, kids got no fear of authority. As soon as they’re older, they’re going to just start looting Targets. Oh, the Commies are laughing at us now.

“Spare the rod, spoil the downtown Portland” -- that’s what they say. We got a bunch of people with untouched buttocks running around and destroying everything. So what do we do? Well, you start on the next generation and don’t make the same mistakes. Any kid steps out of line, you give them a firm whack. I don’t care if it’s your kid or not; this is a civil service to every drugstore that doesn’t want to get burned down. And they say people are becoming adults later and later, which means we can extend the spanking window. I propose bringing corporal punishment to college campuses. It would do those Marxist idiots some good to get a few whacks from a paddle.

And as for those too old for spanking and already running around rioting, I guess you can try hitting them with those, like, police batons. A few whacks to the head can’t hurt. I mean, it will hurt them, but I don’t like them.

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