Welp, this isn't good. Sources close to you confirmed today that you went in for a handshake while greeting a borderline-friend-mostly-acquaintance, and the other guy went in for a hug, and now your hand is stuck between you guys like a limp piece of ham in a soggy sandwich. "Oh no," you thought as you suddenly realized with horror that he was moving in to embrace you. "Maybe I can pull my hand back in time - " But alas, it was too late, for his arms had wrapped around you and pulled you tight, and your hand sat limply between you for several agonizing seconds. You awkwardly moved your other hand up to hug him back and save some face, but you knew that he knew that you had messed up the basic social interaction, and both of you were painfully aware that your hand was stuck between the two of you like a warm hamster pinned between two bears. At publishing time, the hug had mercifully ended, and you decided to pat his belly as an awkward self-aware joke, making the whole situation even cringier.
Michael Simmons' doctor tells him he's obese and needs to lose some weight - but the patient has the perfect comeback: he's pregnant!