MILWAUKEE, WI — A local man spent the better part of Monday afternoon playing baseball with his son, tragically leaving him completely unaware of all the terrible things that were happening in the news.

"I didn't pick up my phone for like, the entire last half of Monday," said Jeffery Bailor, local dad and baseball fan. "The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and Mason and I were having such a great time throwing fast ones at each other I didn't even think to go read about all the stuff on social media that would inevitably have ruined my day if I had looked it up."

Neighbors were shocked to see Bailor blissfully playing in the yard with his teen son when there was so much to worry about happening online.

"Who does he think he is?" asked neighbor Stan Van Wagoner. "I spent all afternoon reading about that terrible disaster in that one place… oh, I forgot where it was but man! You have to stay informed these days because the news cycle changes every five minutes and if you put your phone down you'll miss so much of the bad stuff. I mean, how's he supposed to know why we're all so mad and stuff?"

Bailor came in with Mason at dinner time and didn't pick up his phone until bedtime, only checking his work schedule for the next day. He then kissed his wife, turned off the lights, and slept a solid eight hours like some sort of uniformed Luddite.

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