DETROIT, MI — A local man is being forced to leave behind friends, family, and even his own name to seek his fortune in a far-off country after accidentally ending a business call by saying "I love you."
"Ok Tom, let's just put a pin in that and circle back with those Q3 sales figures on Monday. Ok, I love you," said Dave Smith before covering his mouth in horror at the realization of his horrifying mistake. He then paused awkwardly and just hung up the phone with no further explanation before jumping out a nearby first-story window.
Sources say Mr. Smith is now packing up all his earthly belongings to start a new life elsewhere.
"Welp, I had a good run as an American citizen named Dave, but there's nothing for me here anymore," said Muhammad Jafar Muhammad, whose name was previously Dave. "I can never see or hear from my coworker Tom ever again. Tell my family I'll miss them dearly."
At publishing time Muhammed had started a brand-new career in Qatar but had to move again after attempting to shake a coworker's hand and grabbing only their fingertips.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: