ALEXANDRIA, VA — According to sources, a local self-ordering kiosk at an overpriced cafe that sells self-serve coffee just asked if you would like to add a tip to a $12 coffee order.
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO LEAVE A TIP? 15%? 20%? 25%? A CUSTOM TIP AMOUNT?" says the presumptuous screen as a worker who apparently doesn't do anything peers over at you from behind a plexiglass COVID shield.
What on earth am I tipping these people for, you think to yourself as you press the "NO TIP" button on the screen.
"NO TIP? PLEASE CONFIRM YOUR TIP OF $0.00 FOR THIS HARD-WORKING ESTABLISHMENT BY CLICKING 'CONFIRM NO TIP'," reads the kiosk as you sense the eyes of the do-nothing barista boring into your skull. "NO TIP CONFIRMED," says the screen.
As you remove your card, all activity in the cafe stops as the workers look over at you and shake their heads over how pathetically cheap you are.
You take a sip of your coffee. It's cold.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: